It is so hard for me to weed people out of my mind. I start missing them and thinking about how it could be- then the fights and the narc shit returns to mind, trapping me in an endless loop where I try to defend myself. I already get stuck in loops like that (and I have paxil to thank for pulling me out). I realize it's pointless to think about, but like he drew me into a circle over and over, I also get drawn into such mental repetitions. It's truly bothersome.

(That said, I did take my paxil today. I've been taking it first thing when I get up.)

Att älska nån som har destruktiva tendenser e verkligen svårt. Jag ville stanna vänner men kan inte om detta fortsätter hända.

Jag måste låta som en bruten record vid denna punkt, men jag gjorde upp med min grannevän efter vi hade haft en hjärtskänslig konversation. Fast forward, kom jag över idag och vi bråkade igen när jag försökte lämna efter han skadade mig. Mer hände, som jag inte vill skriva om eftersom jag har pratat om det nog och bara vill begräva det.

Han sa han kunde inte lova att hen inte skulle såra mig och jag trodde det inte skulle hända igen, minst inte en stund. Det e verkligen svårt fr jag vill stanna kompiser men jag har redan förlörat förtroende på denna person, har känt mig otrygg en massa gånger och känt mig så idag. Om man inte kan lova att inte såra mig så kan jag inte tro på man och vi kan inte vara.

(Jag borde ha insett det redan, eftersom under tiden som vi hade blivit vänner igen undrade jag när vi skulle sluta igen...suck)

...det har varit ett fåtal timmar sen jag sa åt ham att jag var gjord med ham, men efter jag kom ur duschen smsade jag ham igen. Eftersom han skall flytta ut på 28, så jag inte kommer få se ham runt igen och mitt hjärta sårar och mina ögon water åt tanken. Vid väldiga minsten, kan vi stanna i kontakten men utan förmågen att bli närare. Minst tills det blir omöjligt för mig.

Well, I've been meaning to update and I have nothing else better to do, so why don't I do that?

I finally made cookies the other day. At first I didn't care for how they came out, but I think they were fine after all. I made them mainly for my neighbors, whom I gave them to as a way to say thanks for being nice to us. I ate the rest just yesterday, lol.

Yesterday was a long day where I accompanied my mom to the dentist. We took medical transport and while the visit itself was short, had to wait an hour for him to come back. Not fun! But I did have fun making people giggle while we sat in the waiting area.

I talked the other day with an acquaintance of mine (someone I really wanted to become friends with) about douchebag. It felt nice to have that support and validation. Helped me realize I didn't lose much by cutting him out of my life. I still can't help but feel bummed or even smile or laugh a little when I remember the good moments, though. As long as I don't forget why we're no longer friends, I guess that's okay.

It finally started snowing today. It's more like a mix of rain and snow. Super cold.

Wore my skeleton onesie out today.

Now I'm here, home, trying to figure out what to do after eating and doing a bit of conlanging.

The lack of stimulation is tough. At least when you hang out with somebody, you get some, you know?

I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving. I look forward to seeing my family these days. Especially my aunt and grandma.

I'm starting to drift again at times. Stress worsens it, but so does understimulation I think. And loneliness. I've been aiming to take my meds after I wake up and before having coffee. I shouldn't break that routine no matter what because then it's not as affective. I don't want to think I'll need to keep increasing in dosage. I don't even know if that can happen.

I feel myself getting sad again. I'm starting to enter smol state too. I don't know what to do.