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😞...
For the past few months I've been doing pretty good with not drifting as much because I've been using going ht voice rooms as a distraction and my atarax which at 50mg seems to last me until the next day's night... but... my atarax also doesn't always work and sometimes makes me irritable or depressed or even makes the drifting worse the next day. I have two (and a piece?) left of the 50mg, a bunch left of the 25mg and I don't know, I was thinking I'd try to hold out and use the remaining medicine but there's too many days it's just not working for me. Last night I took one 25mg that made me lively and then I took another around 4 or 5 and it took me until 6 to try to sleep... but even so, I just couldn't stop drifting. I was laying there almost drifting off but my mind still wouldn't shut off. It happened a few times as I went to the bathroom. I did have to pee a lot. I was finally in dream mode but I had to wake up to bring up groceries. Today I'm drifting just as badly - I keep doing it as I sit here trying to type, and I feel so spaced out and forgetful. The medicine always makes me that way, which is Not Good because I'm already forgetful and brain foggy. I'm thinking I'm gonna go back to my doctor and try changing medicines. Supposedly they do sleep medicine there, it says so on the wall, but when it came to me talking about my anxiety, she made it sound like she can't do shit for me. I still can't find psyches or afford the mental health care so what do I do?
I keep thinking I'm going to have to do something drastic to get mental care, but 1.) the most local mental hospital I tried going to years ago was horrific towards me and my mom just at the admissions and according to my aunt still isn't better, because the treatment by the staff gave one of her clients ptsd. I'm trying to heal from mine, not gain more trauma. 2.) I also felt like I was gonna have to do smth drastic just to get away from my mother.... if that happens, I want to take it as an opportunity to get away from her too but that's also a lot of stress... there's a lot of issues that run into play too...
I'm always saying it but I really feel like I'm past my limits. I get depressed because I drift and feel like shit all the time, I constantly feel triggered and upset because memories and scenarios pertaining to it and other anxieties I have aaaalways intrude on me. I feel like if I tell a psych when/if I do find one, they aren't going to listen to me or believe me and will just msdiagnose or try to stigmatize me. I have so much I've tried to do and so much I've worked out about why this happens but it feels like people these days think mental illness is a character flaw and believe it can only be worked out through behavioral modifications, which doesn't help me because I have mental illnesses and neurodevelopmental disorders. No amount of reasoning or self assurances has helped my anxiety. Then there IS stuff I need clarity on, like whether my drifting stems from untreated ADHD, ptsd, anxiety or all of them, or if I have actually developed OCD because I'm genuinely starting to wonder. I've been drifting about the same thing for a year now or close to it and another thing that bothers me I've drifted about for 5 or 6 years...maybe longer? and I just can't get it out of my head. When I somehow push it away, I just get intrusive memories from other things that take its place, which fucking sucks because I feel like I can never have mental peace. I always have anxiety in my chest and these scenarios and convos in my mind, I'm always worrying about people trying to hurt me or manipulate me which all stems from that place. I have nightmares, I have mental exhaustion from my brain making me think about it, I feel very preoccupied with people who've hurt me and given me hard times even though I want nothing more than to not think about it. I stay away from triggers, but I get triggered from stuff popping up in my mind out of nowhere. I truly feel like no one will be able to understand that. I feel like doctors will just misunderstand me and try to paint me as some kind of manipulator or controller when I hate manipulation and controlling people - I GENUINELY have no desire to do either - all I literally want is mental peace and to be left alone.
I keep thinking I'm going to have to do something drastic to get mental care, but 1.) the most local mental hospital I tried going to years ago was horrific towards me and my mom just at the admissions and according to my aunt still isn't better, because the treatment by the staff gave one of her clients ptsd. I'm trying to heal from mine, not gain more trauma. 2.) I also felt like I was gonna have to do smth drastic just to get away from my mother.... if that happens, I want to take it as an opportunity to get away from her too but that's also a lot of stress... there's a lot of issues that run into play too...
I'm always saying it but I really feel like I'm past my limits. I get depressed because I drift and feel like shit all the time, I constantly feel triggered and upset because memories and scenarios pertaining to it and other anxieties I have aaaalways intrude on me. I feel like if I tell a psych when/if I do find one, they aren't going to listen to me or believe me and will just msdiagnose or try to stigmatize me. I have so much I've tried to do and so much I've worked out about why this happens but it feels like people these days think mental illness is a character flaw and believe it can only be worked out through behavioral modifications, which doesn't help me because I have mental illnesses and neurodevelopmental disorders. No amount of reasoning or self assurances has helped my anxiety. Then there IS stuff I need clarity on, like whether my drifting stems from untreated ADHD, ptsd, anxiety or all of them, or if I have actually developed OCD because I'm genuinely starting to wonder. I've been drifting about the same thing for a year now or close to it and another thing that bothers me I've drifted about for 5 or 6 years...maybe longer? and I just can't get it out of my head. When I somehow push it away, I just get intrusive memories from other things that take its place, which fucking sucks because I feel like I can never have mental peace. I always have anxiety in my chest and these scenarios and convos in my mind, I'm always worrying about people trying to hurt me or manipulate me which all stems from that place. I have nightmares, I have mental exhaustion from my brain making me think about it, I feel very preoccupied with people who've hurt me and given me hard times even though I want nothing more than to not think about it. I stay away from triggers, but I get triggered from stuff popping up in my mind out of nowhere. I truly feel like no one will be able to understand that. I feel like doctors will just misunderstand me and try to paint me as some kind of manipulator or controller when I hate manipulation and controlling people - I GENUINELY have no desire to do either - all I literally want is mental peace and to be left alone.