lapkaboo | Entries tagged with drifting

It is so hard for me to weed people out of my mind. I start missing them and thinking about how it could be- then the fights and the narc shit returns to mind, trapping me in an endless loop where I try to defend myself. I already get stuck in loops like that (and I have paxil to thank for pulling me out). I realize it's pointless to think about, but like he drew me into a circle over and over, I also get drawn into such mental repetitions. It's truly bothersome.

(That said, I did take my paxil today. I've been taking it first thing when I get up.)

Today my thoughts are all over the place as my unwell mind attempts to suck me into the same old fixations that once plagued me. I haven't been taking my meds consistently like I should be, because when I wake up... I just want to lay there and scroll thru my phone or have coffee. Big whoop, right - when all I have to do is crush it up and toss it in a chocolate milk. I should get back to doing that first thing.

I've been doing edibles every day in the evening for a week or maybe more, to cope with the boredom I feel. It sucks to be without friends again but it's better than being put down or hurt. I like taking the eds for the asmr, most of all, as it intensifies the sensations for me. (And doing a certain other activity... it heightens the feeling 83)

Just before I went and got some egg bagels fo rme and my mom. I'm on a bagel kick lately. They taste so good when they're fresh and doughy.

I've been going out on walks lately, which is helping me to stay active and fit. But it'd been raining over the past week, where I've mostly stayed inside except for tasks (or CURLY'S) and now my body feels all sluggish and slow. D: I guess maybe I'll go out again today and snap some shots or go to the park. I want to continue my activity.

There's a new shop opening in town that seems to deal with yoga, witchcraft, and antics? They're having a grand opening next week, so that should be interesting.

I got to say HBD to my Grandmother today, finally. 3 days after the fact! It's her 90th. She's sort of like a living relic xD but she's still looking good (: and in good health, considering the fact. (Not terribly health but not like she's on a machine or anything.)

I'm thinking about getting more edibles today. I'm running low lol

Current Music: in your head - cloudyfield

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Tengo ruido en mi cabeza...

Ayer me puse enojada a alguien por decir cosas homofobicas el cual, naturalmente, desencadenó los pensamientos debido al subjeto. Sin embargo, yo no podia no decir nada porque me molestaron las tonterias de que esta diciendo.

Así, debido a eso, tome un atarax 25mg, para sentirme mejor. Esperaba que me tranquilaría me y sí me calmó, pero también me puse cansada al fin de nuestro grocery shopping e incluso mas así cuando vi finalmente estamos en casa. Pero eso fue una buena cosa porque fue la primera vez que durmí a través de la noche hace meses. Idag me desperté a las 7 y ha sido quizás una hora desde que he estado despierta. Estoy contento de eso.

Sin embargo. Estoy teniendo ruido en mi cabeza sobre lo usual. Parece que 50mgs me pueden detener me de conseguir este ruido el día proximo pero no el 25mg. So estoy sufriendo un poco en ese departemiento.

Por supuesto, estoy tratando mucho de no darle pensamiento. Siempre trato mucho. Me estoy tratando de recordarme a que estoy aquí en el presente, en mi cuarto, lejos de tales personas y que estoy segura. Que mi mente está solo mostrándome fantasmas porque está enferma. Aunque tiendo a sentirme como si mis sentimientos están siendo ignorados si trato de empujar pensamientos, razono que me molesta demasiado si pienso en ellos y que he redan gone over dem y no hay necesidad que yo los revisito de nuevo. Me ayuda. Espero un día donde no necesito luchar contra mi mente en absoluto sobre esto.

Justo ahora la luz ha puesto mas clara de afuera. Quizas es una señal. Me gustaría pensar así.

Current Music: Dean ft. Chibi - All For You

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Ärligt när jag tittar tillbaka på de andra posterna tänker jag "Chill, Lapin!" Känns som när jag blir på ett dåligt sätt blir mina tankeprocesser missfärgade av alla ångestet och irritabilitet och min personlighet ändrar lite. Jag hatar när det händer men jag kan inte få det att gå borta utan medicinen, så jag blir fast som så. Även nu, kan jag känna mig långsamt driftande tillbaka in i den där staten eftersom medicinen avtar... jag tänker att från och med nu borde jag försöka andvika att posta när jag går in i den...

I've trying so hard not to drift today but it put me in such a bad day today - it was like... the way how Johan looks at people, that look in his eyes... that's how I felt. When I'm triggered and upset to the point it makes me not myself, that's how I feel/get. And it's been a pretty long time since I got that way, but it's so out of control now. The sleeping medicine, when it works, is good, but isn't good to keep me afloat since it makes me so tired. I asked my aunt a second time about that psyche she apparently found for me.

(I'm having a hard time ordering my thoughts today. TV is so damn loud it distracts me)

I remember reading on a forum for mental health, I think I found it in the ocd section. Someone was suggested by their therapist to try changing their scenarios to a positive outcome. I can't really do that with mine but now I'm trying to imagine someone better comes along and comforts / sides with / understands me. It is helping a lot. I am also trying hard to use reason to bat the anxiety away. It is easier when I remember other people have also been treated like this and I am not the one in the wrong. I am not the one with the problem, like people have tried to make me feel. And there's others in the world I will find, those the same as me, those that will support me, those that will understand. It is comforting. I try to hold onto and remind myself of that. I've already been trying to do that, but it's like the drifting is so powerful that reason and self-comfort isn't enough. I'm glad I at least have the atarax to hold me over and help me through this shit.

There were other things I wanted to write but after writing that I felt better. So when I feel up to it/feel I need to, I'll write what I was thinking about in the next journal or up above.

I've been drifting badly all day and yesterday, but what else is new.

I haven't been in a good way since my mom's been home. When I was alone, I was able to relax and feel safe, I felt better. But now she's here and I am back to feeling tense, anxious, scared, and at the moment I'm back to being leery and dislikeful of her. As soon as she got home...passive aggression, comments, blaming, the usual. On august 1st, it finally went back to normal. I'm sad.

I decided not to follow through with that place if it meant I could only see someone once every three months. I decided to ask my aunt about that doctor she supposedly found. It's funny because the place I was gonna pay for supposedly took mine, but they only take the non-medicaid form. I think I've talked about this already. If not, then I suppose I can ask how often I see the doctor. I assumed if it's 97 a month, it's once a month, then. It's not terrible...but I need medicine now...

Though I don't regret learning to let myself feel negative emotions without shame, these days I feel like my anger is taking hold of me. In a way, it's like I'm regressing, kind of to like how I was in my late teens/early 20s. I had worked really hard not to give into anger and put out a better response. I know when I realized how not-good I had become, I worked really hard to stop thinking and reacting like that. I know I was suppressing those very negative emotions. I realized suppressing my emotions isn't good for me, but I don't feel like I have good self control anymore. Sometimes I envision myself getting really angry and doing things I wouldn't have done even at my angriest years ago. I don't like how I'm getting. I don't like that I gave the finger to the ice cream shop for being closed or how I exclaimed aloud in upset about it. I don't like feeling like I'm gonna blow up at people. I don't know how to control myself without suppressing the negatives... I WAs getting/HAD gotten to the point where I could still be mature in my anger, but being abused by that person and feeling poisoned for a while threw me off course. It's like some of my progress got reset.

I'm really trying to stay afloat even though I feel so unhappy around my mother. I was gonna make a complaint but I'm deciding not to write it. I'm starting to think sometimes it's better not to write it. It's just making me think about it more. I wish that's how it worked with the drifting.

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I hate how one second I'm fine and all of a sudden I'm not. I felt fine, and now I started drifting and feeling dizzy and the usual unwell/upset. I guess because I started listening to that song, but sadly it would've happened soon anyway. Earlier when I was in the bathroom, the drifting started...

I told my aunt about finding some place that I would pay for and she said something about it being a visit or video call once every three months. Like.... how the fuck is somebody supposed to manage themselves or be managed in by someone else for so long like that? even when you supposedly find a place you can pay for, it's spaced out like that and might as well bleed you. I guess I'll see what the person she might have found says.

She called me and left a message I couldn't make out clearly. I emailed her becauise she said to... I guess I can ask when she messages me back. She said she wrote something long for me but I never got it, whatever. It's kind of like "whatever" at this point, you know.

I'll take something atarax in a few. It's almost 8 o clock. I haven't taken any today because I hate how it makes me tired and not want to do antthing. That's the whole purpose since it's sleep meds, but I'm using it as a lifeline for now.

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Jag hatar även naer jag aer i badrummet att anvaenda det slutar jag med att drifta...

Noat aer mitt fel, foer jag boerjade dricka foer mycket kaffe naer jag borde ha slutat naer jag kaende mig bra.

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My mom keeps calling basically to complain but it can't helped, when the attendants are neglecting her and not giving her her medicine. First they're saying because the doctor isn't in on the weekend they can't give her the meds, then it's "the doctor hasn't ordered it in" even though she already had them there yesterday :/ they don't come to her in time when she needs the loo and they forget to do what she needs. They're also making her do the PT without the meds?! I asked her if she could transfer to some place better and she's like a wet log about it. She said that it could only happen if she was being abused but she's being neglected and denied her relaxants/steroids for bullshit reasons that change on a dime. How can they possibly think patients can just stop receiving their meds on the weekend all because the doctor isn't around?

On top of that... she's been trying to get in touch with me all morning but the phone on her end hasn't been working right. My grandma called to tell me that - and then my mom was beeping through. I still can't figure out how to do call holding so she hung up and mom started with the complaints. I think she calls only to complain. In normal circumstances I'd be mad but eh. She keeps saying sorry.

My mom hung up just before and said she was gonna call my grandma. My grandma told me to call her back after. She made it sound like Mom was gonna be irritated towards me but she wasn't. I hope they don't get into it or anything. It stresses me out when they do.

I woke up just a little while ago, and was drifting once I was awake, even though it wasn't soso. I was on the edge of soso just before, but I'm batting stuff away. I don't really want to take the atarax since it makes me tired and not feel like doing anything 'cause I'm too tired.

-I;m starting to drift a lot right now, so maybe I should >.<

Jag fortsätter att läppja på den leftover chokladmjölk som är mixerad med ataraxet från igår men ljuddet och ångesten kommer tillbaka till mig... jag antar jag behöver ta mer.

Once I 'm medicated and I'm my drifting is to a zero (or a near zero I guess...)( I'm gnna come bnack and delete all these posts.

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I've been calling my mom when I'm stressed, but there's nothing she can do for me. I also feel like I shouldn't dump this stuff on her whens he's unwell, but she does it to me, but I also feel bad doing it. I feel like I'm becoming a bit narcissistic but I feel very stressed out that she might not be home for a month or more. I can't cook much beyond very simple things due to my adhd and I don't drive BECAUSE of my disabilities (this constant dissociating thing is the cherry on top lol) I barely have anything in my account and I have the remnants of my name change money I was thinking of depositing into my account when I get my card so I can get help from this one place I found that does 95 a month ._.

I know I was having drifting episodes earlier in the year when my mom was in the hospital but I don't think it was as bad as it is now. I feel very sad when I think about how two years my mom was in rehab and well, I Was enjoying my time alone but I wasn't drifting like I do now. I did struggle with staying annoyed when I got annoyed and getting angry about soso but damn, it's like all that turned into what it is now. I can't believe I thought I was getting better at one point.

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I'm sitting here trying to work on writing and I keep fucking drifting on soso and getting triggered. Isn't that fun.

Why does my head hurt like a motherfucker and why, why, WHY when I'm trying so hard not to have thoughts, to stay in a good mood and be well, my mind shoots at me negative thoughts and memories and feelings I thought I had moved on from for good? It's so horrible being like this and so horrible I can't find psyches hwo take my insurance. I know I say that all the time but I feel like I always have to say even on my own safe space "can't find someone who takes my insurance" because otherwise SURELY someone will judge me and dismiss me and act like it's because I haven't done anything rather than that I genuinely can't find help. I hate from my waking moments I'm anxious and sent into scenarios, I hate that all day long my brain makes me feel like shit. I hate that it makes me suicidal, I hate that it makes me want to scream, I hate that it creates a constant painfiul luimp in my throat. I hate how people think if you're mentally ill it's only because you want to be.

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lapkaboo

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兎の日記

Entries tagged with drifting

I want my garden to be free.

The thoughts swirl inside my head but I fight the pull.

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Noise, grocery shopping at night, and a good night's sleep

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Drifting, anger, the usual musing...

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Can't catch a break

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May 2025

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