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Mi madre es su propia peor enemiga. Estos espasmos dolorosas pasan en el área de estomago y causan que no pueda moverse. Ha tenido tantas oportunidades de decirle a su doctor (que es un idiota, pero eso es otro cuento) y ahora aparece que se empeora. No sé por qué ella se hace esto.
Become more quiet
Nov. 9th, 2023 06:30 pmMin mor missförstår redan ofta vad jag säger till henne men nyligen känns det som jag inte kan ha vadsomhelst form av konversationen med henne eller berätta henne något för hon fortsätter missförstå och jag måste alltid förklara allting jag sa till hene, även om jag just sa till henne i samma sekund.
För ett par år sedan, trodde jag att även om jag inte kunde ha meningsfulla konversationer med henne, skulle jag försöka säga mina tankar och reagera till henne mer som tala övning. Jag har insett över tid är det egentligen inte bra för mig att göra det på grund av vad händer, men även så är det hårt att sluta för nu gillar jag att dela mina tankar och jag känner mig stängd in när jag kan inte säga något. Förr, var jag mycket mer introverted och jag saknar det. Jag vill göra ett mer aktivt försök med att va reserverad runt henne. Det tar inte mig till nånstans iaf.
För ett par år sedan, trodde jag att även om jag inte kunde ha meningsfulla konversationer med henne, skulle jag försöka säga mina tankar och reagera till henne mer som tala övning. Jag har insett över tid är det egentligen inte bra för mig att göra det på grund av vad händer, men även så är det hårt att sluta för nu gillar jag att dela mina tankar och jag känner mig stängd in när jag kan inte säga något. Förr, var jag mycket mer introverted och jag saknar det. Jag vill göra ett mer aktivt försök med att va reserverad runt henne. Det tar inte mig till nånstans iaf.
(no subject)
Oct. 11th, 2023 12:12 pmIbland känner jag mig egoisk eftersom jag finner mig inte att anse min mor som en del av saker eller tänka på henne när det concerns saker som behövs (t.i., jag fick en dag nästan endast en box tissue figuring det skulle va nog, men sen mindes jag min mor skulle behöva en också....) Jag insåg att anledningen är eftersom jag trycker henne ur mitt hjärta och sinne och föredrar att tänka på mig själv att jag lever ensam även fast det inte är fallet. Jag gör fortfarande tänka på henne, för jag får henne godiser på qc:en och jag gör saker åt henne utan att hon frågar mig... men du vet, för anledningarna jag har, känner jag mig inte skyldig om det.
Drifting, anger, the usual musing...
Sep. 6th, 2023 11:51 pmI've been drifting badly all day and yesterday, but what else is new.
I haven't been in a good way since my mom's been home. When I was alone, I was able to relax and feel safe, I felt better. But now she's here and I am back to feeling tense, anxious, scared, and at the moment I'm back to being leery and dislikeful of her. As soon as she got home...passive aggression, comments, blaming, the usual. On august 1st, it finally went back to normal. I'm sad.
I decided not to follow through with that place if it meant I could only see someone once every three months. I decided to ask my aunt about that doctor she supposedly found. It's funny because the place I was gonna pay for supposedly took mine, but they only take the non-medicaid form. I think I've talked about this already. If not, then I suppose I can ask how often I see the doctor. I assumed if it's 97 a month, it's once a month, then. It's not terrible...but I need medicine now...
Though I don't regret learning to let myself feel negative emotions without shame, these days I feel like my anger is taking hold of me. In a way, it's like I'm regressing, kind of to like how I was in my late teens/early 20s. I had worked really hard not to give into anger and put out a better response. I know when I realized how not-good I had become, I worked really hard to stop thinking and reacting like that. I know I was suppressing those very negative emotions. I realized suppressing my emotions isn't good for me, but I don't feel like I have good self control anymore. Sometimes I envision myself getting really angry and doing things I wouldn't have done even at my angriest years ago. I don't like how I'm getting. I don't like that I gave the finger to the ice cream shop for being closed or how I exclaimed aloud in upset about it. I don't like feeling like I'm gonna blow up at people. I don't know how to control myself without suppressing the negatives... I WAs getting/HAD gotten to the point where I could still be mature in my anger, but being abused by that person and feeling poisoned for a while threw me off course. It's like some of my progress got reset.
I'm really trying to stay afloat even though I feel so unhappy around my mother. I was gonna make a complaint but I'm deciding not to write it. I'm starting to think sometimes it's better not to write it. It's just making me think about it more. I wish that's how it worked with the drifting.
I haven't been in a good way since my mom's been home. When I was alone, I was able to relax and feel safe, I felt better. But now she's here and I am back to feeling tense, anxious, scared, and at the moment I'm back to being leery and dislikeful of her. As soon as she got home...passive aggression, comments, blaming, the usual. On august 1st, it finally went back to normal. I'm sad.
I decided not to follow through with that place if it meant I could only see someone once every three months. I decided to ask my aunt about that doctor she supposedly found. It's funny because the place I was gonna pay for supposedly took mine, but they only take the non-medicaid form. I think I've talked about this already. If not, then I suppose I can ask how often I see the doctor. I assumed if it's 97 a month, it's once a month, then. It's not terrible...but I need medicine now...
Though I don't regret learning to let myself feel negative emotions without shame, these days I feel like my anger is taking hold of me. In a way, it's like I'm regressing, kind of to like how I was in my late teens/early 20s. I had worked really hard not to give into anger and put out a better response. I know when I realized how not-good I had become, I worked really hard to stop thinking and reacting like that. I know I was suppressing those very negative emotions. I realized suppressing my emotions isn't good for me, but I don't feel like I have good self control anymore. Sometimes I envision myself getting really angry and doing things I wouldn't have done even at my angriest years ago. I don't like how I'm getting. I don't like that I gave the finger to the ice cream shop for being closed or how I exclaimed aloud in upset about it. I don't like feeling like I'm gonna blow up at people. I don't know how to control myself without suppressing the negatives... I WAs getting/HAD gotten to the point where I could still be mature in my anger, but being abused by that person and feeling poisoned for a while threw me off course. It's like some of my progress got reset.
I'm really trying to stay afloat even though I feel so unhappy around my mother. I was gonna make a complaint but I'm deciding not to write it. I'm starting to think sometimes it's better not to write it. It's just making me think about it more. I wish that's how it worked with the drifting.
Can’t stay happy
Sep. 5th, 2023 02:20 pmIt’s no wonder I have so much trouble staying in a good way when my mother makes me feel so bad. I’m anxious being around her and stressed out just listening to her, because I always feel like I gotta listen to make sure she doesn’t choke or didn’t end up dying. Every noise she makes that doesn’t sound like a good noise scares me and I can’t say the “wrong” things or it leads to jabs, guilt trips, yelling, or passive aggression. I really, really hate living with her and I feel so unhappy and caged in since she came home. I hate being around her.
When she was still at the rehab place, when she called me, she mentioned that the doctors suggested living in a one floor home. My mom talked about maybe having an arrangement with the landlord since they’re kind of tight? So potentially we could just stay living under his flats but man, I don’t wanna move - I don’t even wanna move because I love my room and I love the lack of noise from others( for the most part) and most of all I really don’t want to live with her. If she wants to look for that, ok but I don’t want to go with her. I’ve always had a feeling that if one of us were to move from this place then we would both have to move because of the section 8 housing. That’s part of several factors why I haven’t been able to move myself. Because it’s selfish, right? And it’s a hassle.
Sometimes I wish I could live with my aunt. I actually don’t want that because she has animals and I don’t wanna live with animal germs on me or my stuff or my room but it’d be better compared to here 😞 What I really want, and even consider my dream, is my own place.
When she was still at the rehab place, when she called me, she mentioned that the doctors suggested living in a one floor home. My mom talked about maybe having an arrangement with the landlord since they’re kind of tight? So potentially we could just stay living under his flats but man, I don’t wanna move - I don’t even wanna move because I love my room and I love the lack of noise from others( for the most part) and most of all I really don’t want to live with her. If she wants to look for that, ok but I don’t want to go with her. I’ve always had a feeling that if one of us were to move from this place then we would both have to move because of the section 8 housing. That’s part of several factors why I haven’t been able to move myself. Because it’s selfish, right? And it’s a hassle.
Sometimes I wish I could live with my aunt. I actually don’t want that because she has animals and I don’t wanna live with animal germs on me or my stuff or my room but it’d be better compared to here 😞 What I really want, and even consider my dream, is my own place.
So, I didn't write about it yesterday because I was basically writing about it on other apps, but my mother has been in the hospital since yesterday because she's been in terrible pain for a week straight and could barely walk. They kept (and likely will continue to) her over night and found she has severe arthritis in the affected areas, bed sores fron her chair, deep scar tissue, and needs a hip replacement. They have her on a diet and are giving her physical therapy today since she can't walk, and since she can't walk, they want to send her to a rehab eventually which might not even happen due to the fact the previous times she's needed to go, the stupid insurance company wouldn't authorize it. (Amazing Europeans call this privilege. lol) I feel bad for her and uneasy about what's gonna happen when she comes back. How long will she be made to wait for her hip replacement (if we can fucking find someone who takes her insurance fol) and if she's gonna be able to walk in the meantime...? Like, my mother is alrerady in pain and struggles with walking and movement. Suddenly, things feel dismal again. I don't know what's going to happen.
(no subject)
Aug. 19th, 2023 12:37 pmJag hatar att spela caretaker. Jag frågade aldrig att bli en, ännu sedan jag var ett litet barn har jag haft ta hand om känslorna av min egna förälder och nu måste jag spela hemhjälp? Jag frågade inte till det
I feel bad because I know my aunt is just trying...em, to give her idea of the situation and support me too but I feel upset because it just seems like a dismissal towards my mom as if it's just meds-related and not that she's in any real condition that keeps getting worse. And... my mom ideally didn't want to go back on pain meds, but the pain from the healing process is severe and she already suffers with chronic pain; the regular, weaker medicine wasn't working so it can't be helped that she needs pain meds and now for her stomach that keeps getting worse over the week. She's sick and something is wrong that the stupid fucking hospital is too incompetent to apparently figure out. It's not the first time the hospital's sent her home when she's had severe infections either. I don't want my mom to get sicker or die.
If my mom were just looking for meds, she'd tell me since she uses me as her own personal whisper box. Which I don't like...at all...but what's happening to her is real. People w chronic pain don't deserve to have their pain and unwellness blamed on ~aDiCcTiOn~ even though it's just that their bodies get used to it to the drugs, not that they're people who want to get high ._.
If my mom were just looking for meds, she'd tell me since she uses me as her own personal whisper box. Which I don't like...at all...but what's happening to her is real. People w chronic pain don't deserve to have their pain and unwellness blamed on ~aDiCcTiOn~ even though it's just that their bodies get used to it to the drugs, not that they're people who want to get high ._.
