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I've trying so hard not to drift today but it put me in such a bad day today - it was like... the way how Johan looks at people, that look in his eyes... that's how I felt. When I'm triggered and upset to the point it makes me not myself, that's how I feel/get. And it's been a pretty long time since I got that way, but it's so out of control now. The sleeping medicine, when it works, is good, but isn't good to keep me afloat since it makes me so tired. I asked my aunt a second time about that psyche she apparently found for me.
(I'm having a hard time ordering my thoughts today. TV is so damn loud it distracts me)
I remember reading on a forum for mental health, I think I found it in the ocd section. Someone was suggested by their therapist to try changing their scenarios to a positive outcome. I can't really do that with mine but now I'm trying to imagine someone better comes along and comforts / sides with / understands me. It is helping a lot. I am also trying hard to use reason to bat the anxiety away. It is easier when I remember other people have also been treated like this and I am not the one in the wrong. I am not the one with the problem, like people have tried to make me feel. And there's others in the world I will find, those the same as me, those that will support me, those that will understand. It is comforting. I try to hold onto and remind myself of that. I've already been trying to do that, but it's like the drifting is so powerful that reason and self-comfort isn't enough. I'm glad I at least have the atarax to hold me over and help me through this shit.
There were other things I wanted to write but after writing that I felt better. So when I feel up to it/feel I need to, I'll write what I was thinking about in the next journal or up above.
(I'm having a hard time ordering my thoughts today. TV is so damn loud it distracts me)
I remember reading on a forum for mental health, I think I found it in the ocd section. Someone was suggested by their therapist to try changing their scenarios to a positive outcome. I can't really do that with mine but now I'm trying to imagine someone better comes along and comforts / sides with / understands me. It is helping a lot. I am also trying hard to use reason to bat the anxiety away. It is easier when I remember other people have also been treated like this and I am not the one in the wrong. I am not the one with the problem, like people have tried to make me feel. And there's others in the world I will find, those the same as me, those that will support me, those that will understand. It is comforting. I try to hold onto and remind myself of that. I've already been trying to do that, but it's like the drifting is so powerful that reason and self-comfort isn't enough. I'm glad I at least have the atarax to hold me over and help me through this shit.
There were other things I wanted to write but after writing that I felt better. So when I feel up to it/feel I need to, I'll write what I was thinking about in the next journal or up above.
