😞

So, I didn't write about it yesterday because I was basically writing about it on other apps, but my mother has been in the hospital since yesterday because she's been in terrible pain for a week straight and could barely walk. They kept (and likely will continue to) her over night and found she has severe arthritis in the affected areas, bed sores fron her chair, deep scar tissue, and needs a hip replacement. They have her on a diet and are giving her physical therapy today since she can't walk, and since she can't walk, they want to send her to a rehab eventually which might not even happen due to the fact the previous times she's needed to go, the stupid insurance company wouldn't authorize it. (Amazing Europeans call this privilege. lol) I feel bad for her and uneasy about what's gonna happen when she comes back. How long will she be made to wait for her hip replacement (if we can fucking find someone who takes her insurance fol) and if she's gonna be able to walk in the meantime...? Like, my mother is alrerady in pain and struggles with walking and movement. Suddenly, things feel dismal again. I don't know what's going to happen.

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All day yesterday I had the worst drifting episodes in a long time. I just couldn't stop thinking or remembering and feeling angry and upset. At some point I screamed and ranted angrily about NTs. I felt better after that, I became chill and relaxed and peaceful for maybe 40 mins or a half hour before the mental intrusions and the anxiety returned and I felt like shit again. Today I feel very angry and pissed off about more things I feel like I'll never be able to voice safely even though I don't want to remember or think about them but my brain just won't let me be peaceful.

I notice when or after I take the atarax it's almost always something new or different. It made me sleep, but the next day, like I said, I was extremely irritable and drifting a lot. I didn't take it again last night, but I'm still so irritable today. And I can't go to my doctor about it because they're like fuck all if you're not a long time patient and there's no psyches who take my god damn insurance... I feel like, and I've been saying this for a LONG time, one day I'm only gonna end up getting treatment ending up in the hospital from a suicide attempt. I felt that way for a long time because of my mother, hoping if that happens I'd be able to get away from her once and for all (and get help for my severe anxiety). Now I'm feeling that way, have been feeling that way, lmao, a long time because of this issue that has worsened beyond my control.

( angry )

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I feel like just changing locations has the power to offset my mood, because I finally felt okay after venting on ventapp but now coming out to do writing like I wanted I suddenly feel down and annoyed and lack the mood. I mean that's happened before, but I hope I don't end up developing bipolar. 

( Sad. )

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I thought the flies were finally gone but I saw one flying around just now and grossly, I think I may have accidentally swallowed one that got into my coffee before ): I felt something hard hit the roof of my mouth as I gulped the coffee down...

I was gonna make chicken today but between that and just not feeling it, I don't want to anymore... 

I've been hungry since last night and drinking chocolate milk to fill up. I had a peanutbutter sandwich last night but it sucked and we don't rerally have anything to make. I only have 45? left in my account and stupidly my mom took my card with her so I can't go out and buy or go somewhere to eat. I could order online I suppose but weirdly I feel repulsed by food right now - i hate where I get where I'm hungry but the idea of eating anything repulses me. 

Sometimes I wish I would just starve and die. That was sort of my plan when my mom had the comfort meds--just keeping taking them until I die. I wouldn't be conscious for it so that was a big plus. 

My grandma called just before but I told her my mental illness has been bad so we didn't talk much.

When I went back to twitter, I got in a pissed off mood again so I'm saving the images I want to keep and then deactivating it. I'm sad that what was originally a nice space for me turned into one of negativiity. 

I wish there was a burger king around. I'm always in the mood for burger king.

I started writing self indulgent things but I feel like I can't continue it because I have a block in my brain again. I also feel stressed out because I have stories I need to finish but I can't. I feel stressed out remmeber how many projects I started but can't finish... but yeah, adhd is a "superpower". delulu

I wish I could just go to sleep until I'm not sick anymore. 

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I wish I could stop thinking. I can;t stop thinking. I can't stop feeling upset and thinking about a myriad of distressing things per sec. I feel better for 5 secs and then I'm feeling bad again. I wish I was dead. I wish I was asleepl. I wish I coulds stop thinking. I can't stop feeling bad but there's no on ewhot akes my insuranc.e Nobody cares about disabled and mentally ill women.

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