(no subject)

Why does my head hurt like a motherfucker and why, why, WHY when I'm trying so hard not to have thoughts, to stay in a good mood and be well, my mind shoots at me negative thoughts and memories and feelings I thought I had moved on from for good? It's so horrible being like this and so horrible I can't find psyches hwo take my insurance. I know I say that all the time but I feel like I always have to say even on my own safe space "can't find someone who takes my insurance" because otherwise SURELY someone will judge me and dismiss me and act like it's because I haven't done anything rather than that I genuinely can't find help. I hate from my waking moments I'm anxious and sent into scenarios, I hate that all day long my brain makes me feel like shit. I hate that it makes me suicidal, I hate that it makes me want to scream, I hate that it creates a constant painfiul luimp in my throat. I hate how people think if you're mentally ill it's only because you want to be.