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All day yesterday I had the worst drifting episodes in a long time. I just couldn't stop thinking or remembering and feeling angry and upset. At some point I screamed and ranted angrily about NTs. I felt better after that, I became chill and relaxed and peaceful for maybe 40 mins or a half hour before the mental intrusions and the anxiety returned and I felt like shit again. Today I feel very angry and pissed off about more things I feel like I'll never be able to voice safely even though I don't want to remember or think about them but my brain just won't let me be peaceful.
I notice when or after I take the atarax it's almost always something new or different. It made me sleep, but the next day, like I said, I was extremely irritable and drifting a lot. I didn't take it again last night, but I'm still so irritable today. And I can't go to my doctor about it because they're like fuck all if you're not a long time patient and there's no psyches who take my god damn insurance... I feel like, and I've been saying this for a LONG time, one day I'm only gonna end up getting treatment ending up in the hospital from a suicide attempt. I felt that way for a long time because of my mother, hoping if that happens I'd be able to get away from her once and for all (and get help for my severe anxiety). Now I'm feeling that way, have been feeling that way, lmao, a long time because of this issue that has worsened beyond my control.
I keep hearing in my head from when I finally went to the doctor for some kind of sleep aid or anxiety med, how she said "why did I wait so long to do something" and it's that kind of thoughtless judgment that kept me for so long from seeking it out. B ecause you risk being vulnerable and people take a knife to your heart with judgments and criticism and hatred about why you "chose not to do anything" like I haven't been doing all in my power to heal from what happened to me in the past ten years. You risk opening up about it just for them to punch you in the gut and make you feel like an asshole who's been sitting with your thumb up your ass all along. it's so fucking thoughtless and unkind.
Ironically it's NT people who are the most lacking in empathy and consideration for other people, while they claim us autistic people are a problem just because we don't mind read. Asshole doctors who have only judgments and scorn to say to patients who are already hurting so much on the inside. Not to mention I tried going to my previous doctor about my severe anxiety which he was the one to dx me with but he just wouldn't listen to me as I tried to explain its origins; he kept trying to put it on depression and saying it stemmed from depression and I kept fucking trying to explain I don't have depression and it doesn't stem from that. Like talking to the god damn wall. I'm so glad he's not a doctor anymore lol because he was horrible as an adult doctor for me.
I notice when or after I take the atarax it's almost always something new or different. It made me sleep, but the next day, like I said, I was extremely irritable and drifting a lot. I didn't take it again last night, but I'm still so irritable today. And I can't go to my doctor about it because they're like fuck all if you're not a long time patient and there's no psyches who take my god damn insurance... I feel like, and I've been saying this for a LONG time, one day I'm only gonna end up getting treatment ending up in the hospital from a suicide attempt. I felt that way for a long time because of my mother, hoping if that happens I'd be able to get away from her once and for all (and get help for my severe anxiety). Now I'm feeling that way, have been feeling that way, lmao, a long time because of this issue that has worsened beyond my control.
I keep hearing in my head from when I finally went to the doctor for some kind of sleep aid or anxiety med, how she said "why did I wait so long to do something" and it's that kind of thoughtless judgment that kept me for so long from seeking it out. B ecause you risk being vulnerable and people take a knife to your heart with judgments and criticism and hatred about why you "chose not to do anything" like I haven't been doing all in my power to heal from what happened to me in the past ten years. You risk opening up about it just for them to punch you in the gut and make you feel like an asshole who's been sitting with your thumb up your ass all along. it's so fucking thoughtless and unkind.
Ironically it's NT people who are the most lacking in empathy and consideration for other people, while they claim us autistic people are a problem just because we don't mind read. Asshole doctors who have only judgments and scorn to say to patients who are already hurting so much on the inside. Not to mention I tried going to my previous doctor about my severe anxiety which he was the one to dx me with but he just wouldn't listen to me as I tried to explain its origins; he kept trying to put it on depression and saying it stemmed from depression and I kept fucking trying to explain I don't have depression and it doesn't stem from that. Like talking to the god damn wall. I'm so glad he's not a doctor anymore lol because he was horrible as an adult doctor for me.