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A familiar song.
Aug. 4th, 2023 10:52 amÄven fast jag såg fram emot den 1, när vi kom dit hade jag inte en bra tid och sen efteråt var resten av min dag inte god heller. Jag hade varit upphetsad att äntligen make it dit och såg fram emot kulet jag brukade ha när jag var ett barn, men när vi var där, medan jag tog en promenad runt, lämnades jag med en ledsen och ensam känsla. Det var coolt att se barn ut med sina vänner och har kul och ute har på sig sina coola kläder men det gjorde mig ledsen eftersom de hade sina vänner att vara med och jag hade inga. Det är en gammal story för mig, att gå till funktioner utan vänner och att bara alltid vara den som är ensam. Det slår annorlunda när du går in i ditt sent 20-tal och du är fortfarande ensam, eftersom det verkligen känns som du kommer vara så för alltid.
Men - jag antar att det inte är nödvändigtvissant sant nu eftersom nu har jag människor jag pratar med online och en vän från verkligt liv som jag kom tillbaka i kontakten med. Det känns trevligt att kunna prata med människor och forma en konnektion.
Jag ska inte gå in på vad hände i affären eftersom jag redan har pratat om det mycket. Men jag ska säga jag tog en cykeltur i tidigare delen av dagen, jag tror för chokladsirup? och sen bara för en små tur. Natt-ut eventen i min stad verkade upbeat. Det fanns många människor men inte så många som det fanns i min hemstad. Den i min hemstad var så fullt med folk det fick mig irriterad och overwhelmed, särskilt med människor som skulle bump into you och står precis bakom dig =_=; annoying. Men cykelturn var trevlig.
Men - jag antar att det inte är nödvändigtvissant sant nu eftersom nu har jag människor jag pratar med online och en vän från verkligt liv som jag kom tillbaka i kontakten med. Det känns trevligt att kunna prata med människor och forma en konnektion.
Jag ska inte gå in på vad hände i affären eftersom jag redan har pratat om det mycket. Men jag ska säga jag tog en cykeltur i tidigare delen av dagen, jag tror för chokladsirup? och sen bara för en små tur. Natt-ut eventen i min stad verkade upbeat. Det fanns många människor men inte så många som det fanns i min hemstad. Den i min hemstad var så fullt med folk det fick mig irriterad och overwhelmed, särskilt med människor som skulle bump into you och står precis bakom dig =_=; annoying. Men cykelturn var trevlig.
(no subject)
May. 30th, 2023 01:46 pmI already complained on twitter but I hate how I go out for a while and I feel alright and then as soon I'm back home I'm anxious and drifting and getting the same damn thoughts/memories that I always do. Then I hate how, even though I update for myself because I like writing about stuff, I just don't have friends to show interest or give interaction or do check-ins, or me them. It really sucks not having any friends.
(Suck is really an understatement because it's just human nature to want bonds, but you're autistic + ADHD and you can't live a normal life and haven't really lived a normal life all your life and that pervasive loneliness and sadness just feels like it will follow you until you die. I'm probably gonna die young because I'm so isolated (which I also believe is what worsens my mental illnesses). I haven't had irl friends in ten years and can't meet or hit it off with anyone on the net (and I really hate how people on the net act anymore). I know how to make friends and I know how to keep them, but I just feel like there's a wall between me and other people, and I also feel like other people aren't interested in me or they just end up losing interest. I hate being the only one who initiates, you know.)
I guess on the bright side I found an app for the purpose of making friends and have some matches with people. I don't have high expectations because things are just so hopeless for me, it's like fine, guess I'm fine with just imaginary company and sometimes my family. Sometimes I wish I could just exist in my mind.
(Suck is really an understatement because it's just human nature to want bonds, but you're autistic + ADHD and you can't live a normal life and haven't really lived a normal life all your life and that pervasive loneliness and sadness just feels like it will follow you until you die. I'm probably gonna die young because I'm so isolated (which I also believe is what worsens my mental illnesses). I haven't had irl friends in ten years and can't meet or hit it off with anyone on the net (and I really hate how people on the net act anymore). I know how to make friends and I know how to keep them, but I just feel like there's a wall between me and other people, and I also feel like other people aren't interested in me or they just end up losing interest. I hate being the only one who initiates, you know.)
I guess on the bright side I found an app for the purpose of making friends and have some matches with people. I don't have high expectations because things are just so hopeless for me, it's like fine, guess I'm fine with just imaginary company and sometimes my family. Sometimes I wish I could just exist in my mind.
(no subject)
Apr. 22nd, 2023 12:07 pmI'm in a really shitty mood b/c of what I was drifting about and the fact it happened. My mad is being annoying and I feel sad because I don't have anyone to talk about OCs with or do fun OC memes.
Really, I feel sad and keep feeling sad because there are some cool artists in the JP side of the fandom I really wish I could talk to and make friends with but can't speak good enough Japanese to do so. Then there's someone I've really been wanting to be friends with...actually maybe more but I know it would never happen lol and even if we did become friends, communication would be very limited. It makes me so sad 😭 But that doesn't stop me from wanting to send nice messages or even do art for them... or thinking about kissing her... (I probably sound insane - I don't even know what she looks like)
Well, it's been a few hours since I opened this page up and my mood has lifted between getting my brain to shift and the coffee perking me up xD which I think I'll need to try it on stronger brew tomorrow, to get more a flavorful cup. I'm content, though.
Really, I feel sad and keep feeling sad because there are some cool artists in the JP side of the fandom I really wish I could talk to and make friends with but can't speak good enough Japanese to do so. Then there's someone I've really been wanting to be friends with...actually maybe more but I know it would never happen lol and even if we did become friends, communication would be very limited. It makes me so sad 😭 But that doesn't stop me from wanting to send nice messages or even do art for them... or thinking about kissing her... (I probably sound insane - I don't even know what she looks like)
Well, it's been a few hours since I opened this page up and my mood has lifted between getting my brain to shift and the coffee perking me up xD which I think I'll need to try it on stronger brew tomorrow, to get more a flavorful cup. I'm content, though.