(no subject)

[lapkaboo]

It's hard to be a woman with mental disabilities (and severe mental illness on top...). You grow up traumatized, not in just your home but in the schools, especially the ones that were meant to help you but just broke your soul instead. All your life you're unable to communicate your thoughts, remember things, do simple tasks, read minds "like you're supposed to", understand "what's supposed to be simple", and so much more, and even with a dx at an early age, the severity of your symptoms have always been downplayed and shamed and you're basically treated like a bad person by the people around you all your life rather than as just being genuinely disabled, because people would rather believe that and abled people just have so much contempt for mentally disabled and other people in general that it's natural to them to assume and assert the worst. Because of your disabilities, you can't make the relationships you want, because it prevents you from communication which is soul crushing itself, but also because of abled people's innate desire to think of other people as lesser. You have no friends nearly all your life, you've had no physical friends for the past ten years, everyone writes off your pain as self-wished or hysterical or irrelevant and demands you acknowledge things out of your control as a character flaw or an ill-intended attack just bc they can't see anything any other way. Nobody understands you. Nobody empathizes. Nobody cares. I feel myself go crazy from mental illness, but I also feel myself go crazy from the level of isolation I face and what THAT does to me. I feel like so much of my life already is lost and wasted. Like life is just passing me by, that I'm living but I'm not alive. Leaving me to feel like things ultimately don't matter in the end and there's no use trying. I wish I could disappear completely into my mind.