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I hate that while I'm eating, if I'm not watching something, I drift and my mood gets broken. Netflix and hulu haven't allowed me to watch their sites on desktop for over a month now which is really shitty considering the money I pay for it and the shit netflix intends to pull with making you pay more for more people on your account. (Technically, the netflix is my mom's, but still). I never used to have this issue where I drifted while eating but that's been the case for me since last year, as well as with being over my the sink or coffee pot.
You know... I spend all day long telling anxious and intrusive thoughts, "no stop" or "leave me alone" "go away" "no it isn't" but it doesn't stop the barrage or the fact it keeps happening. It's so exhausting feeling at war with your brain every second of the day... I try so hard to reach a place of peace and normalcy but it doesn't feel like I'll ever get there. I need medicine so bad but I'm really convinced no psychiatrist will really listen to me because that's just my life story, if you're autistic woman you aren't considered to be a true life form and if you show you are, it means you're not really disabled. It's sort of the same for the mentally ill, except if you show you're aware of what's wrong and why and where it stems and even how to tackle it, they throw it back in your face as a character flaw and refuse to give you treatment because as far as they care it's not even real. It's like most psyches don't really acknowledge mental illness as a disorder, they think of it as a character flaw and something you "talk out" then victimblame you when you can't "will it away" for not trying hard enough. People don't listen to you when you're autistic, when you're mentally ill, when you're a woman, when you're traumatized, people are unable to see you as human or self aware because you're only ever supposed to agree with what they think they know about you. It's something I'll never escape.
You know... I spend all day long telling anxious and intrusive thoughts, "no stop" or "leave me alone" "go away" "no it isn't" but it doesn't stop the barrage or the fact it keeps happening. It's so exhausting feeling at war with your brain every second of the day... I try so hard to reach a place of peace and normalcy but it doesn't feel like I'll ever get there. I need medicine so bad but I'm really convinced no psychiatrist will really listen to me because that's just my life story, if you're autistic woman you aren't considered to be a true life form and if you show you are, it means you're not really disabled. It's sort of the same for the mentally ill, except if you show you're aware of what's wrong and why and where it stems and even how to tackle it, they throw it back in your face as a character flaw and refuse to give you treatment because as far as they care it's not even real. It's like most psyches don't really acknowledge mental illness as a disorder, they think of it as a character flaw and something you "talk out" then victimblame you when you can't "will it away" for not trying hard enough. People don't listen to you when you're autistic, when you're mentally ill, when you're a woman, when you're traumatized, people are unable to see you as human or self aware because you're only ever supposed to agree with what they think they know about you. It's something I'll never escape.