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May. 30th, 2023
(no subject)
May. 30th, 2023 01:46 pmI already complained on twitter but I hate how I go out for a while and I feel alright and then as soon I'm back home I'm anxious and drifting and getting the same damn thoughts/memories that I always do. Then I hate how, even though I update for myself because I like writing about stuff, I just don't have friends to show interest or give interaction or do check-ins, or me them. It really sucks not having any friends.
(Suck is really an understatement because it's just human nature to want bonds, but you're autistic + ADHD and you can't live a normal life and haven't really lived a normal life all your life and that pervasive loneliness and sadness just feels like it will follow you until you die. I'm probably gonna die young because I'm so isolated (which I also believe is what worsens my mental illnesses). I haven't had irl friends in ten years and can't meet or hit it off with anyone on the net (and I really hate how people on the net act anymore). I know how to make friends and I know how to keep them, but I just feel like there's a wall between me and other people, and I also feel like other people aren't interested in me or they just end up losing interest. I hate being the only one who initiates, you know.)
I guess on the bright side I found an app for the purpose of making friends and have some matches with people. I don't have high expectations because things are just so hopeless for me, it's like fine, guess I'm fine with just imaginary company and sometimes my family. Sometimes I wish I could just exist in my mind.
(Suck is really an understatement because it's just human nature to want bonds, but you're autistic + ADHD and you can't live a normal life and haven't really lived a normal life all your life and that pervasive loneliness and sadness just feels like it will follow you until you die. I'm probably gonna die young because I'm so isolated (which I also believe is what worsens my mental illnesses). I haven't had irl friends in ten years and can't meet or hit it off with anyone on the net (and I really hate how people on the net act anymore). I know how to make friends and I know how to keep them, but I just feel like there's a wall between me and other people, and I also feel like other people aren't interested in me or they just end up losing interest. I hate being the only one who initiates, you know.)
I guess on the bright side I found an app for the purpose of making friends and have some matches with people. I don't have high expectations because things are just so hopeless for me, it's like fine, guess I'm fine with just imaginary company and sometimes my family. Sometimes I wish I could just exist in my mind.
(no subject)
May. 30th, 2023 08:35 pmI still think the strip on the area is not the clot but the fluoride that moved from my tooth to there and I think it's disrupting the gums' ability to close. It just doesn't look like it's disappearing. Apparently, it should've closed up by now (though some sites also say it can take up to 21 days). I guess I should wait until it's the 21st day but I want to tell the surgeon about it but I don't know her number and don't know who I would call about it. Then my mother is in one of her sleep modes/seems sick so I don't have anyone to drive me there... I promise I'm not worry-warting about it anymore, but I'm just eager to eat something that isn't pudding.