崩れてる

I think my friendship with my neighbor is falling apart. It definitely became different after the bs started by the gf and then him, (as well as since he started... pushing for smth). Like... it was really fun in the beginning when we were still getting to know each other. Maybe I was more fun for him then too. Not only have I examined him but myself and I noticed I've been kind of annoying and I want to stop. But, even as I try, he still flips at me for things.

There's other things too, like. He dismisses me, invalidates me, and makes fun of me for things. When I try to explain myself, he just acts like what I said is bs. Or he'll start in with the "my way or the highway" "fuck your feelings" shit and get butthurt because I won't tolerate it. Like I don't get it. You don't like me mad at you but you nitpick me every day.

Yesterday I was trying not to be annoying, and he flips at me when I was already feeling small and quiet. I really came over to eat lol but maybe I just shouldn't have gone over. I've thought that a few times. Just because we're friends, it doesn't mean we have to see each other or talk every day. We did used to at one point and it was so fun, but now I'm thinking we should take a break, because he just seems to get irritated with me while I get hurt by him. Maybe we're annoying each other too much, or we're just not meant to be friends.

I'll tell you, that's a sad thought for me because I really thought we were on similar wavelengths. The gf was jealous because we had had a special connection, which I also thought was true. Maybe it was just his Fe, which I mistook for something deeper. (Am I allowed to say I feel fooled? I want to be more direct about it.)

So, obviously there's a lot of things bottling up... but the thing is, I've communicated a lot and sought communication and clarification - we've talked things out and solved them but... other times he's been a wall or trying to control me with "deals" and pushing me out when he doesn't get his way. :/ So that makes me feel like communication is pointless if it just devolves into an argument, which sort of happened yesterday. (I wanted clarification into smth, because I wondered if I didn't understand what he wanted or where he was coming from the first time. That happens to me a lot, being on the spectrum.)

And now... I recognized the mature, healthy response I should've given, but I bounced back about how he does it to me. Which I'm sure will just tumble into an argument. I really try to do my best in my relationships with people but when someone's continually unfair or mean to me, I lose my ability to care. So I indulged in what would be called a "narcissistic tendency".

(...I'm starting to think my mom was right ): )

A sweetly melting melody...

I feel so lonely all of a sudden. No, maybe that's not the right word... listening to Labyrinth by Mondo Grosso, I want to dance around to the same song and be admired by the people I do.

It’s lonely

It sucks to go into smol state and not have anyone to look after or comfort me while I’m in it. My mental state is a lot fragiler, which ironically, emotional stress is what causes me to enter it. Instead… I just gotta suffer through it alone. Go into my dream world where I have my dream partner/parent, do what I always do.